


Absence

by ObliviousApple



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Dies, Bucky likes it rough, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, Depression, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Goes through end game, It gets dark, Murder, Reader Has Powers, Reader needs a hug too, Rough Sex, Smut, Thanos is a dick, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 16:26:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19232788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliviousApple/pseuds/ObliviousApple
Summary: Reader has healing powers and is in a relationship with the winter soldier. Losing him breaks her and she becomes numb to everything. She ends up joining Clint Barton who shares her emptiness, and becomes an executioner of the wicked. How will she react when presented with a chance of getting her lover back? Does she dare let herself hope?Goes through infinity war and endgame. Gets pretty dark after Bucky’s death. Mentions of suicidal thought and self harm. Also smut. Stay for the smut.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! If this story does well, I am planning a prequel story where we find out more of the readers background and how Bucky and reader fell in love. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

 

 

The sun beat down on you as you crossed the field towards the man in the distance, but not unpleasantly so. You had grown accustomed to the warmth of Africa these last few months. More importantly, you knew the climate brought him peace. He hated the cold, which was understandable given his history with snow, so you were glad Wakanda had become home to the both of you. 

 

You reached the man, though his back was turned to you. He was lifting heavy stones from a pile with his one arm and throwing them into a cart to be used to make a half wall around the shack that stood a few feet away. Sweat was running down his shirtless torso, and you bit your lip at the sight of his muscled back. 

 

“You know, I could watch this all day,” you called, leaning against a nearby tree.

 

He turned toward you and shot you his signature cocky half grin.

 

“I didn’t realize manual labor was such a turn on for you,” he said, running and through his sweaty hair.

 

“Only when I’m watching you do it, hot stuff,” you replied, shooting him a wink. 

 

“Oh sure, let the man with one arm do all the heavy lifting,” he said rolling his eyes. 

 

“One arm is all you need to get the job done,” you teased.

 

“Yeah?” He said, his smile going wider. He stalked towards you, stopping only when he was a few inches away. “And do you have any jobs that need  doing  now?” 

 

“Hmmm...I can probably think of one or two things that need to be done,” you said softly wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. “But I’m warning you...it could take several hours. You got that kinda time?”

 

“I’ve got all the time in the world for you, doll,” he replied huskily before he pulled you in for a kiss.

 

You moaned into his lips, loving the taste of him and the way he kissed you like he was starving. His tongue moved against yours expertly, and you felt his arm wrap around your waist.

 

Too soon, he pulled back for air. He rested his sweaty forehead against yours.

 

“Should we take this job inside where I can really take my time on it? I mean...I gotta make sure it’s done right,” he said with a smirk. 

 

“It looks like it will have to be postponed,” you said with a sigh looking over his shoulder. “T’Challa and Okoye arewalking this way.” 

 

“Once again, his timing is just perfect,” Bucky groaned. 

 

You rubbed his shoulder placatingly, and the two of you walked over to meet your visitors. One of the Kingsguard set down a heavy equipment case. 

 

“For you,” T’Challa said to Bucky.

 

You watched as Bucky opened it warily. Inside was a powerful looking vibranium arm. You knew they had been working on creating him a new arm for some time, but they had really gone all out for this model which could only mean one thing.

 

“Where’s the fight?” Bucky asked, reflecting your own thoughts.

 

“On its way,” the king replied. 

 

He quickly explained about the newest threat to the world in the form of an alien race led by a titan called Thanos. 

 

“The Avengers will be here in an hour,” Okoye said.

 

“Guess it’s time to suit up,” you said, looking at your boyfriend. 

 

“We will leave you to prepare,” T’Challa said and they strode off across the field again. 

 

Bucky looked down at the arm, and reached out for it. Just before his fingers made contact with it, he faltered. 

 

“What’s wrong?” You asked.

 

“It’s just...Every time I try to stop fighting, I get pulled back into it. It never ends,” he said with a sigh. 

 

You placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I know, Buck,” you replied. “How about after we save the world, you and I go explore more of it.”

 

He looked up at you and a ghost of a smile touched his lips. 

 

“I would like to see you in a bikini on a white sandy beach somewhere,” he said in that familiar teasing voice. 

 

You laughed.

 

“Ok, it’s settled. We make it through this, I’ll buy the skimpiest bikini I can find, and we’re goin on vacation,” you promised. “Now let’s get this arm on.”

 

You lifted the prosthetic, which was surprisingly heavy, and brought it close to Bucky’s shoulder. Mechanisms sprung out of the arm and attached to the stump.He grimaced but then he began moving this artificial arm around the socket. 

 

“How does it feel?” You asked, watching him move it experimentally.

 

“Feels strong,” he said. “Let’s try it out.”

 

Without another word, he strode forwards and lifted you off the ground with his new arm. He tossed you over his shoulder like you weighed nothing, and then proceeded to head towards the shack you shared. 

 

“What are you doing?” you asked.

 

“I told you, we’re testing out this arm,” he replied, smacking you on the ass for emphasis as he crossed the doorway into your shack. 

 

You two had built the shack on the outskirts of the kingdom, away from everyone else after there had been complaints from some of the native Wakandans about the loud and very lewd noises that originated from your apartment at night. Not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, Buck and you had decided to make your own space away from everyone else. You two had built this small little shack with your own hands, and it served as your first real home together. 

 

“Umm...did you forget about the alien invasion we’re supposed to be preparing for?” you asked as he threw you on the bed.

 

“Pshh, we’ve got plenty of time to suit up. Besides, what better way to prepare for a fight than with a workout?” He said grinning down at you mischievously. 

 

You cocked your head and thought about it. 

 

“I don’t say this often, but you have a point,” you said smiling back at him. 

 

In a flash you tore off your shirt and sat back on the bed. You watched as Bucky’s ice blue eyes darkened with lust. He pounced on top of you like a lion on a gazelle. 

 

Immediately his lips found yours and your mouths began that furtive dance for dominance. You moaned into him as his hands squeezed at your breasts. Your fingers slid over the planes of this back and you reached down and gave his ass a squeeze.

 

He chuckled softly before going to town on your neck. You gasped as his mouth found that sweet spot just below your ear and your hips jutted against him. You could feel his hardness through his pants. 

 

You reached down and dipped your hand under the waistband of his pants, taking his cock into your hand and stroking it slightly a few times.

 

Bucky growled and leaned back. 

 

“Take off your clothes,” he ordered in his most serious voice. 

 

You obeyed without hesitation, and he removed the rest of his clothes as well. His cock sprang free any you bit your lip at the sight of it. 

 

You moved to touch him but he pushed you back.

 

“Like I said, I need to test this arm out doll, and what better way than to try it out on you first,” he said with a smirk. 

 

His metal hand trailed down your torso slowly, sending shivers down your skin. He gently pushed you back and your head fell on the pillows behind you. His fingers gripped the sides of your thighs and pried them apart.

 

“Fuck, this is probably my favorite sight in the entire world. You spread out just for me,” he said with a growl. “You don’t know what you do to me.”

 

“Buck...” you began but gasped as his mouth found your center. 

 

Bucky Barnes had a skill list miles long, but goddamn at the top of that list was his ability to eat you out like no one else could.

 

You moaned loudly as his tongue flicked over you, and you reached down to thread your fingers in his long hair. A second later you felt something hard and slightly cold at your entrance. 

 

You looked down to see Bucky slowly slide two of his new fingers into you. 

 

“How does that feel?” He asked.

 

“Good,” you replied breathily. “Feels good.”

 

“What about this?” He asked, and the two fingers inside you started vibrating. 

 

You moaned in response. 

 

“That’s the answer I was lookin for,” he said and his mouth found your wetness again. 

 

The feeling of his mouth on you while his fingers vibrated and fucked you was glorious. Pleasure shot through you, and you bucked your hips up against his mouth

 

“Fuck! Bucky I’m gonna cum!” You cried loudly.

 

He moaned against your clit in response and you lost it. Your orgasm came crashing down against you and you screamed the entire way down. You gasped desperately trying to catch your breath as Bucky leaned back, watching your chest rise and fall. 

 

“You know....I don’t think the arm T’Challa built you was intended for this kind of activity,” you said with a smile.

 

“You kidding? We spent months down the hall from him. He’s a pretty smart guy. I’m sure he knows the first thing I’d do is fuck you senseless with it,” he replied. “Speaking of which, we aren’t finished.”

 

He grabbed your hips and pulled you closer to him. You sat up and pulled him in for a scorching kiss. As your tongues danced together, your legs parted and you felt his hard cock press against your entrance. 

 

Reaching down, you grabbed his length and guided him inside you. Both of your breaths hitched as he slid all the way in. 

 

“Fuck, I’ll never get tired of fucking this pussy,” he said throwing his head back. 

 

He slammed into you setting a furious pace that had your eyes rolling in the back of your head. You hooked your legs around his neck, giving him an ever deeper access to your sopping wet center. 

 

“Oh Fuck,” you cried out. “Goddamn that feels so good.”

 

“Yeah? You like it when I destroy your pussy?” he grunted. 

 

He slammed into you harder and you moaned in reply. Suddenly, his vibranium fingers were at your clit vibrating against you. 

 

Your moans grew even louder. 

 

“Fuck....say my name doll. I want to hear you scream my name as you cum on my cock,” Bucky grunted.

 

And you were happy to oblige. A few seconds later, your second orgasm hit you hard.

 

“Fuck! Bucky!” You screamed as you saw stars. 

 

You heard Bucky groan and you felt him release his own orgasm within you. He shuddered against you and fell beside you where you were both a sweating, panting wreck. 

 

One thing was for sure. No one could ever fucked you like Bucky. No one had ever come close. 

 

“Damn,” he sighed. 

 

“Yeah,” you agreed. 

 

He planted a kiss against your damp forehead.

 

“I love you doll,” he sighed. “I really fucking love you.”

 

“I love you too, Buck,” you said softly.

 

On the beside table, your phone beeped. 

 

“Aaaand that’s our que that Steve and the gang are in our atmosphere,” you sighed checking the message. 

 

“You think the aliens would wait on us while we went another round?” he asked, peeking out from under his flesh arm.

 

“We could always ask,” you said with a laugh. “But I’m guessing Steve would barge in here in the meantime to see his best friend he hasn’t seen in months. And you don’t want him to see me in a compromising position do you?”

 

He raised a brow. 

 

“Suit up,” he said flatly. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think so far!

You and Bucky were unsurprisingly a bit late by the time you had both pulled on your fight gear and made it to the landing strip where the Avengers Quinjet was already parked. You were still zipping up the front of your outfit when you reached the group of superheroes.

 

T’Challa was giving Steve a run down of the battle plan. 

 

“You will have my King's Guard, the Border Tribe, the Dora Milaje, and...” 

 

“A semi stable 100 year old man,” Bucky finished for the king. 

 

“And a woman who proves very hard to kill,” you supplied as well. 

 

You watched Steve and Bucky share a hug. A proper hug, not one of those stupid half assed bro hugs. 

 

“You look good Buck. How you been?” Steve asked, giving his friend a once over.

 

“Not bad for the end of the world,” Bucky replied with a shrug. 

 

“Good to see you again Stevie,” you said throwing your arms around the captain.

 

“Hey (Y/N),” Steve said hugging you tightly. “You been taking care of this idiot?”

 

“Why do you think we were late?” You replied cheekily, shooting him a grin. 

 

“Okay, TMI,” Natasha said from behind Steve.

 

“Nat!” You cried and your arms were around her neck in an instant. 

 

Nat and you had always been great friends and you had missed her presence these last few months. 

 

You all started heading toward the main building that Vision and Wanda had disappeared into. Steve and Bucky walked in front of you, catching up with each other. Natasha fell into step beside you. 

 

“So....it looks like we interrupted your important meeting with the super soldier,” she said slyly.

 

“Unfortunately,” you replied with a grin. “But I’m sure we can reconvene later.”

 

Nat chuckled softly.

 

“Glad to see you two have been having some fun here,” she said. “You both look happy.”

 

“We are. But tell me about this alien invasion that’s on the way,” you said.

 

She told you all about her small battle in Scotland. You frowned, a small part wishing you had been there to lend a hand, but it sounded like they had it under control. Steve retreated into the lab building to talk strategy with the others. You decided to stay outside with Bucky and Sam, getting your weapons ready and your communicator put in. 

 

Your weapons of choice was a long samurai style blade that hung across your back, alongside a pair of SHIELD issued pistols courtesy of Nick Fury that hung at your waist. 

 

“Good to see you again girl,” Sam said with a grin as the three of you prepared. He gestured to Bucky. “Still giving this one hell?”

 

“Always,” you replied cheekily. 

 

“I’d say it’s the other way around,” Bucky scoffed, holding up a tactical bulletproof vest. “Put the damn thing on.”

 

“We’ve been over this, Buck,” you said with a sigh. “There’s no point. It will just slow me down.”

 

“She has a point,” Sam said, and you thanked him with a smile. “I mean, if she gets shot the only real damage she takes is a few holes in her shirt.”

 

“She can still feel pain,” he argued, sending you an intimidating look. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, even if it doesn’t last long.”

 

You had the ability to heal almost instantly whenever you were injured. And while it was certainly helpful, the way you had acquired these abilities was less than savory. You had been the subject for human experimentation, much like your surly boyfriend who was trying to get you to wear the tactical vest to spare you from unnecessary pain. Unfortunately for him, you were insanely stubborn and you just hated the way the vest felt. It was too heavy and confining for your tastes. You preferred to fight unburdened. 

 

“I appreciate your concern, love. I really do, but we both know this is a pointless argument,” you told him. “I’m not wearing that damn thing and that’s final.”

 

“You two fight like an old married couple,” Sam said, laughing at the pair of you. 

 

You kissed Bucky’s cheek and a reluctant smile broke across his lips. 

 

A noise broke the three of you away from your playful banter. You all looked up and saw a massive spacecraft entering the atmosphere.

 

“Hey Cap, we’ve got a situation here,” Sam said through the comm.

 

The ship came too close to the force shield that surrounded the entire kingdoms, and it crashed, destroying the enemy ship.

 

“God, I love this place,” Bucky announced. 

 

You couldn’t help but agree.

 

 

——————————

 

A little while later, you stood beside Bucky at the front of the entourage T’Challa had organized. You were pleased to see all the tribes had answered his call. T’Challa, Steve and Nat walked towards the edge of the barrier to give a half hearted attempt at settling this battle diplomatically. Even though you all knew it was pointless, it didn’t hurt to try. 

 

“Listen, try and stay within sight if you can,” Bucky said. “I worry when I can’t see you and we both don’t need any unnecessary distractions.”

 

“You worry about me? YOU don’t regenerate instantly. I have to worry wayyy more about you,” you said exasperatedly. 

 

“Fine. How bout this? I promise I won’t die if you don’t,” he said with a grin. 

 

“Deal,” you said. “And I still want that vacation when this is all over.”

 

“Anywhere you want, doll,” he said, pulling you in for a kiss. 

 

You kissed him back, savoring the feeling of his lips against yours. All too soon you broke away, noticing the treating party had returned. 

 

“Did they surrender?” Bucky asked sardonically.

 

“Not exactly,” Steve said, his expression grim. 

 

“Yibambe!” T’Challa cried out, leading his people in a fierce battle cry.

 

Beyond the perimeter, you watched as the leader of the alien horde give the attack signal. A mass of alien beasts rushed the barrier. They crashed against it like a wave, all bearing their sharp teeth and claws. 

 

“What the hell,” Bucky breathed, astonished at the sheer number of them. 

 

You reached down and grasped his hand nervously. He squeezed back reassuringly.

 

“Looks like we pissed her off,” Nat joked.

 

The alien beasts strained to break the barrier, several of them killing them selves in the process. A few managed to break though. 

 

At T’Challa’s command, the Kingsguard threw their sonic spears at them, taking out a good number. Beside you, Bucky released your hand and fired his M249 machine gun at the oncoming enemy. Bruce fired his hand repulsers, and Sam shot down a few as he flew overhead. 

 

You waited anxiously, waiting for the hand to hand combat that was sure to come. Like Nat, that was more your area of expertise.

 

Sure enough, to keep the horde from circling the entire kingdom, the king decided to open the barrier to keep them in front of you. You pulled out your pistols and readied yourself. Bucky looked at you and nodded, a sort of good luck gesture. 

 

“WAKANDA FOREVER!” T’Challa yelled. 

 

And the battle began. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried not to add too much of the actual fighting, because reading a battle scene can be tedious. 
> 
> Warning: next chapter things will get pretty dark. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

The battle had been going on for hours it seemed, but in reality you knew it couldn’t have been that long. The feral alien monsters just kept coming. You’d long since abandoned your pistols. You relied on your blade now, yet every time you’d slay one, two more would take its place.

 

You vaguely noticed Bucky was struggling as well in the distance. You had strayed from him, but he was still within sight. Over the comm, you could make out that your comrades were becoming overwhelmed with the sheer number of enemies. 

 

“Shit!” You cried out, as one managed to sink it’s teeth into your shoulder. “Get. The. Fuck. Off!”

 

You slammed the hilt of your sword into its eye socket with each syllable.

 

“Doll?” Bucky called over the comm.

 

“I’m ok,” you yelled. “But damn these things can bite.”

 

You heard him groan in frustration, but already your skin was knitting itself back together. 

 

“There’s too many of them!” Bruce yelled, as his suit was swarmed. 

 

You couldn’t help but think how screwed you all were. 

 

Then help came in the form of a burst of light. Thor had come to join the fray. 

 

“Woo! About time you showed up!” You yelled towards him.

 

You couldn’t celebrate long however, as you were rushed again. The battle continued. 

 

Somehow you had drifted away from Bucky during the battle and ended up fighting alongside Natasha and Okoye. 

 

“This better not become a norm every time you visit!” You yelled to your friend as you sliced the head off an alien. 

 

“You know me,” she called, fighting off her own opponent. “I always bring the party.”

 

Suddenly a huge ship, all whirring blades and spinning gears, was cutting a path towards you. 

 

“Yeah....this is definitely one hell of a party Nat!” You said flatly. 

 

There was no way you could get out of the way in time. Thankfully, Wanda chose that precise moment to make her appearance. She used her powers to throw the Thresher clear across the field into a pack of oncoming beasts.

 

“Why was she up there all this time?!” Okoye asked, impressed with her powers.

 

You laughed and turned back to the battle at hand.

 

“Guys, we got a Vision situation here,” Sam’s voice rang in your ear.

 

“Shit,” you swore, looking towards the lab and seeing Vision falling out of a window.

 

“Somebody get to Vision!” Steve commanded.

 

Bruce tried to reach him but he was swarmed yet again.

 

“On my way,” Wanda called.

 

You rushed towards her, hoping to lend a hand. You noticed that crazy alien leader bitch reach her first, sending her flying down into a ditch the Thresher had left behind.

 

“He’ll die alone, as will you,” she said to Wanda.

 

“She’s not alone,” Nat said.

 

Crazy alien bitch looked up and noticed you, Nat, and Okoye ready to take her on. Reminding yourself to make a girl on girl joke about this later, you attacked. 

 

——————————-

 

You breathed a sigh of relief as the crazy alien bitch was thrown into an oncoming Thresher, courtesy of Wanda. Panting hard, you watched your side as it healed itself back together from a nasty jab from her sword. 

 

“That was really gross,” Nat said, covered in blue alien blood.

 

You laughed once, but heard Steve struggling over the comm, trying to get to Vision. 

 

You took off in that direction, jumping over the carcasses of dead aliens as you went. A strange wind picked up, and everything went eerily silent. 

 

“Everyone on my position. We have incoming,” Steve said. 

 

You ran faster, breaking through the trees and finding Nat, Sam, and Okoye join you as you made it to his location. You didn’t see Bucky, but you figured he was still on the battle field.

 

Suddenly, in a cloud of smoke, a giant purple alien guy with a rather big chin appeared. This had to be him.

 

“Cap...that’s him,” Bruce confirmed.

 

Bruce tried to take him down first, but Thanos sent him flying, then used his magic stones to embed him in the rock wall behind him. 

 

Before Steve could even strike, Thanos sent him flying as well.

 

Well this was looking so promising.

 

T’Challa was next, ending up slammed violently into the ground. Thanos used magic to turn Falcons wings into rubber. 

 

You tried to sneak up while he was distracted with Sam, but just as your blade was about to make contact with his head, Thanos swirled around, gripping the blade and it shattered. With one blow that had the impact of a semi truck, he sent you flying. You only stopped as your body hit a tree. 

 

You felt every bone snap.

 

You dimly heard Bucky shout your name in terror, but you couldn’t respond if you wanted to. Everything went foggy, and you strayed out of thought and time. 

 

You must not have been out of it long, for when you came to, you managed to lift your head and see Thanos using his stones to reverse time. Slowly, he grasped the mind stone in Vision’s head and ripped it from his body. 

 

Vision fell to the ground, lifeless, as Wanda screamed in agony. You looked around and saw Bucky lying nearby on the ground. You tried to stand up, only making it to a crawl. You made your way over to him, thankful when you saw his chest rise and fall.

 

The energy surge knocked you over again as Thanos places the final Infinity stone into his gauntlet. Luckily, Thor chose that moment to reappear. You saw him hurl his axe and it embedded itself deep into Thanos’ chest. 

 

You couldn’t make out what Thanos said next, but you heard it loud and clear when Thor screamed.

 

“NO!”

 

And Thanos snapped his fingers. 

 

Bucky managed to stand up then, and made his way over to you. 

 

“You alright sweetheart?” He said, helping you to your feet.

 

“Never better?” You managed unconvincingly.

 

“What did you do!?!” Thor roared. 

 

The two of you turned to see Thanos vanishing once again in a cloud of smoke.

 

Steve stumbled into the clearing.

 

“Where’d he go? Thor?”

 

“Wha....” Bucky began. 

 

You looked at him. He was making an odd face, looking at his arm. 

 

“I don’t...feel right,” he said slowly. 

 

Suddenly, his flesh began to disintegrate, like ash in the wind.

 

“Bucky!” You screamed. 

 

He looked into your eyes.... and then he was gone.

 

“Bucky! What’s happening!?” You screamed again, whirling around to look at Steve who was looking on in terror. 

 

Wanda was the next in the clearing to vanish. Over the comm, you heard Okoye call for T’Challa. Rhodey shouted Sams name. 

 

You couldn’t take it. You ripped out you comm, collapsing to your knees where Bucky had just been. 

 

“Steve, where did he go?” You asked in a broken voice.

 

Silence hung all around you. 

 

“Oh god,” Steve whispered.

 

And you knew. Bucky was gone. 

 

You screamed. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said...shits gonna get dark. Trigger warning: thoughts of suicide and self harm which I DO NOT CONDONE. 
> 
> Also, if you haven’t seen end game why the hell are you reading this? 
> 
> Comments are appreciated.

When you were 9, growing up in the foster system, this douchenugget of a 12 year old shoved you off the jungle gym on theplayground and you broke your arm. At the time, you had thought that was the most painful thing a person could experience. 

 

When you were 16, and you had been strapped to a table by HYDRA scientists your opinion had changed. Having your entrails repeatedly ripped open by a crazy German guy with buzz saw had been a sobering event. A sort of “welcome” to what real pain was.

 

And sure, over the years in your service to SHIELD, you had been stabbed, burned, shot, beaten, even bitten thousands of times. 

 

But nothing....nothing could have prepared you for this. 

 

It had taken Steve slapping you across the face for your screams of agony to stop. Then...you remained silent. Wishing, pleading to whatever omniscient force was out there to take you away too. 

 

You longed to float away in a cloud of dust like the others. You couldn’t imagine a world where there was no Bucky to wake you in the morning with a gentle kiss to the forehead. No Bucky to slap your ass as you bent over to tie your boots up. No Bucky to rouse you from your fitful nightmares with gentle whispers of reassurance. For a girl who had grown uses to having nothing, he had become your  everything.

 

Steve had decided you were to come back with him and Nat to stay at the Avengers compound for a while.

 

“You shouldn’t be alone,” he said softly, not meeting your eyes.

 

You briefly wondered if he was talking to himself.

 

He led you to your shack, instructing you to grab anything you needed from within. You only cared about one thing.

 

The shack was destroyed. You had to shove debris out of your path as you made your way to what once was your bedroom. Under the shredded remains of your blanket on the floor, you found it.

 

A framed photo of Bucky. Just Bucky. You had taken the picture when the two of you had taken a hike to a huge waterfall deep within the jungles of Wakanda. He was staring at the falls in wonder, unsuspecting, and you had snapped the picture. Candid pictures of him were your favorite. The slight smile on his lips was genuine, and his eyes were light and carefree. He was beautiful. 

 

This picture was the only thing that mattered anymore. And the frame was shattered. 

 

You moved the broken glass out of the way to take the picture out. You barely felt it when a shard of glass bit into your finger. You looked at the blood leaking out and felt a wave of anger as the wound automatically closed. 

 

You hated your abilities more in that moment than you ever had before. You didn’t want to heal. You wanted to feel the physical pain. Anything to distract you from the goddamn torment that you felt inside.

 

You picked up the largest shard of glass and dug it deep into your arm. It stung, but not enough. You dug deeper. Blood flowed onto the floor, staining your clothesand you sighed in relief.

 

The wound began to close.

 

“Fucking stop!” You shouted at your arm. 

 

For once you didn’t want to heal. You wanted out. You wanted to be with Bucky. You wanted to stop feeling this  emptiness.

 

Steve rushed into the cabin and looked from you, to the glass in your hands, to the pool of blood beneath you. 

 

“Y/N.....” he said in a broken sort of voice.

 

“I can’t do it Steve,” you said looking at him as tears flowed freely now. “How am I supposed to go on without him? I just want out...but I don’t even have that option.”

 

Steve embraced you and you sobbed into his shoulder. 

 

“I know...I can’t believe he’s gone...all of them...but especially him,” Steve said. “That’s twice I’ve lost him now.” 

 

You sobbed harder.

 

“But hey, you don’t get to check out and leave me too,” he said pulling away. He held you by the shoulders and you noticed he had tears in his eyes. 

 

“What would Buck say if he were here right now and saw this?” He said gesturing to the bloody mess. “He’d tell you to get your tight ass in gear and keep going.”

 

“He always was an ass man,” you managed in a strangled sob.

 

“Yeah...he was,” Steve said. “And he always said yours was the best ass he ever saw on any dame.”

 

You choked a laugh that was more of a sob.

 

The two of you stood there in silence for a moment. You picked up the picture and shook the remaining glass loose. You knew Bucky would be pissed if he saw you like this. But you just didn’t know how to go on without him. What was life without Bucky Barnes?

 

—————————————-

 

Back at the compound the remaining Avengers tried to get their bearings. You, Nat, Bruce, Rhodey, Thor, and a talking Raccoon named Rocket were sitting in the common room trying to process what had happened.

 

Half the world...no the universe was gone. Just like that. 

 

“The fault lies with me,” Thor whispered into the silence. “Thanos told me I should have gone for the head...and he was right.”

 

“No, you should have gone for his hand,” you said angrily. 

 

“Y/N...” Steve said in a warning voice.

 

“What? It’s true!” You spat. “If you had taken his hand, he wouldn’t have been able to snap his fingers! None of this would have happened.”

 

“You’re right,” Thor said brokenly. “I have failed you.”

 

“No. You failed them. T’Challa. Wanda. Sam. Tony. Fury. Buck....” your voice broke. 

 

Silence rang throughout the group. You couldn’t stand there any longer and see the faces of your comrades looking at you with such desolation in their eyes. You left them, heading towards your room in the compound. 

 

“She didn’t mean it,” you heard Steve say as you walked away. 

 

And you knew it was true. Deep inside you knew it wasn’t really Thor’s fault, but the anger welled within you and you needed someone to blame.

 

You were broken, and you couldn’t stand the torment you felt within you. You couldn’t stand existing this way. So you did what you had done all those years ago when you had been brought to HYDRA. You put up the the walls it had taken Bucky so long to tear down. Inside your shower in the Avengers Compound, you let yourself become numb. A few tears escaped as you forced everything down into the deepest corner of your mind. It would be the last time you cried for 5 long years.

 

———————————

 

A couple weeks later Tony Stark turned up with a couple alien girls. You were surprised to see him still alive. Surprised. That’s all you could feel. You were numb.

 

Nebula told you all where Thanos would be hiding out. 

 

“He used the stones again,” Nat said seeing the energy surge on the holo screens.

 

“Hey, Hey, we'd be going in short-handed, you know,” Bruce warned.

 

“And he's still got the stones, so..” Rhodey said disapprovingly.

 

“Fuck the stones. Fuck Thanos,” you said flatly. “If we know where he is, we owe it to everyone to put a blade through his ugly purple skull. I’ll go alone if I have to. Just lend me a ship.”

 

“Or...We could use the stones to bring everyone back,” Carol said.

 

Everyone gaped at her. 

 

“Just like that?” Rhodey asked unconvinced.

 

“Yeah, just like that,” Steve said, glancing at you.

 

You were conflicted. You didn’t want to embrace the hope of getting a chance to have Bucky returned, only to be devastated when it was yanked away. But you couldn’t NOT try. If there was ever any chance whatsoever of seeing him again, you knew you would do anything. No matter the cost.

 

“Even if there's a small chance that we can undo this... I mean we owe it to everyone who's not in this room to try,” Nat said softly.

 

It was quickly settled and a short time later, you were strapped into a space ship headed for space. You and Steve made similar faces of queasiness as the ship went to hyper space. 

 

Seconds later, you were orbiting a different planet. Carol went down to do some recon. 

 

“Hey,” Nat said laying a hand on your arm. “This is gonna work.”

 

You knew your friend had noticed your emptiness. You hadn’t really interacted with the rest of them since that fight with Thor. You had become withdrawn and silent, completely different from the laughing easy going person she had known you as. 

 

You couldn’t say anything to her in that moment. You couldn’t trust to place all your hope into this mission. You would do everything in your power to see it done, but you just couldn’t let yourself believe you’d see him again. 

 

“I know it will,” Steve said with conviction. 

 

Carol returned giving the all clear and the team headed down to attack. 

 

Thanos was alone. Defenseless. That should have been your first clue that something was amiss. No strategic plan of attack was formed. You all were past plans. So, you all attacked. 

 

You let the rage well within you as you followed the team into the hut. Carol flew through the roof, knocking the titan over and quickly put him in a head lock. Bruce grabbed the arm with the gauntlets as your blade sliced deep into Thanos’ legs. He wasn’t getting away this time. Thor flew in and with a woosh of his axe, he took off an arm and the gauntlet with it. You felt relief at being able to incapacitate him so quickly...until you saw the stones were missing.

 

“Where are they?!” Steve shouted.

 

“Answer the question!” Carol ordered, tightening her grip.

 

“The universe required correction. After that, the stones served no purpose, beyond temptation,” Thanos said gasping for air.

 

“You murdered trillions!” Bruce yelled in horror. 

 

“You should be grateful,” Thanos said.

 

You shot him in the groin for that.

 

“Where are the stones?” Nat asked, glancing in your direction, silently telling you to lay off until they collected more information.

 

It took the titan a few moments to answer.

 

“Gone. Reduced to atoms,” he managed to reply. 

 

And in-spite of you not letting yourself fully believe you’d see Bucky again, you felt what little bit of your heart remained break into a million pieces.

 

You didn’t even register when Thor went for the head.

 

———————————

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all to those that have given this story a like! 
> 
> I hope you all are enjoying it. 
> 
> Comments are greatly appreciated!

The early morning light filtered through the windows as you crossed the tiny living room, wrapped in the bedsheet. You probably should have put some actual clothes on, but it seemed pointless when you knew he would just rip them off you when he woke up. 

 

You poured yourself a glass of water, parched from the night you had. Super soldier stamina was both a blessing and a...nah. Just a blessing. 

 

You looked around the tiny apartment with a smile. It was messy, it was cramped, and it was perfect. Who’d have thought you could be this happy in a 700 square foot apartment in bum fucking Bucharest. 

 

You began to hum to yourself as you made your way to a window and looked over the sleepy little town. Then you began to softly sing to yourself. 

 

Wise men say 

“only fools rush in” 

But I can’t help 

Falling in love with you 

 

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin?

No, I can’t help 

Falling in love with you

 

“ I didn’t know you could sing,” said a voice from behind you.

 

Lips found your neck and you relaxed into his embrace. 

 

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me,” you said teasingly as his lips traveled down into the crook of your shoulder. 

 

“Hmm...guess I need to do some more recon,” he growled, tugging the bedsheet from your body. 

 

You turned around and you bit your lip at the sight of him, fully nude and ready. 

 

“Guess so, Sarge,” you said, snaking your arms around his neck. 

 

His lips crashed against yours, cutting off the rest of your witty reply. You moaned into his lips, burying your hands into his ridiculously soft hair. 

 

His hands gripped your thighs and you let him lift you off the ground, wrapping your legs around his waist. 

 

You expected him to take you back to bed, but Bucky had other plans. He slammed you against the wall next to the window, pinning you there with his hips. You gasped at the feeling of his cock rubbing against your wet folds.

 

“Hold on tight, sweetheart,” Bucky growled.

 

His hips lifted away from you just long enough to adjust, and suddenly he was inside you. You cried out at the feeling of him so filling you up with his cock. Jesus Christ, he was well endowed. 

 

You tightened your grip around his neck as his hips slammed into you, fucking you senseless into the wall. Your head fell back and you moaned loudly. 

 

“You like it when I fuck you senseless?” Bucky grunted, his mouth on your neck once more.

 

You loved it when he talked dirty to you, something you both had figured out shortly after meeting. The sound of his voice saying dirty things in your ear while he was inside you was deliciously maddening. 

 

“Yes,” you cried. “God, Bucky. I love your cock!”

 

He rocked into you harder. If you hadn’t had the healing powers you had, you knew his fingers would have left bruises in your thighs with how hard he was gripping you. 

 

“Such a filthy mouth,” he said, biting your neck roughly. “With such a sweet pussy.”

 

You cried out in pleasure, knowing you were close. It seemed he knew too. He loosened his grip on one of your thighs. His fingers found your clit and you clawed at his back.

 

“That’s right sweetheart, let go. Cum for me,” he groaned, staring at you from under his dark tresses.

 

You screamed as you came hard, clenching around him. He pushed himself once more into you and his own orgasm took him. His head fell against your breasts and you felt him panting against your skin. 

 

Slowly, he pulled himself out of you, setting you down onto the floor. Your legs felt like jello, but you managed to stand up on your own. 

 

He placed a soft kiss against your lips and smiled. 

 

“What are you doing to me (Y/N)?,” he asked softly. 

 

——————————————————-

 

1 year after the Snap:

 

You awoke as you had every day since it happened. Screaming, Gasping for breath. Terrified. 

 

“Shit,” you whispered, realizing it had just been a dream. 

 

All your dreams were memories now. And all your memories were nightmares, a haunting reminder of what you had lost. 

 

You scrubbed a hand over your face in frustration. 

 

A knock sounded at the door. 

 

“It’s open, Steve,” you called, knowing it was him. It was always him. 

 

Sure enough, the door opened and he peeked his head in. 

 

“Another nightmare?” He asked softly.

 

“Yep,” you replied shortly. 

 

“Anything I can do?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yep.”

 

He gave you a look, a mixture of pity and frustration.

 

“Alright, well get dressed and come eat something with me and Nat,” he told you. 

 

You nodded and he closed the door. 

 

This was how all your mornings had began. Your life had become quite predictable. You went through the motions each day. A quiet breakfast with Steve and Nat, an intense work out, a quiet lunch with Steve and Nat, another intense work out, a quiet dinner with Steve and Nat...and then the numbing silence of staring into the darkness of your room as you willed yourself to sleep.

 

Steve had been begging you to come with him to these sort of support groups he had started for the survivors. You had flat out refused.

 

Occasionally, you’d get updates from Rocket, Rhodey, or Carol. Thor stayed pretty quiet these days, drinking himself into oblivion. You had thought about following his lead, getting drunk enough to forget who you were, but after a couple of bottles and headaches, you found it had only intensified your feeling of emptiness and the drinking had quickly stopped. 

 

With the absence of him....You were desperately trying to find something, some kind of purpose to your existence. Everything you did seemed pointless. Nothing mattered anymore. 

 

You gave your morning greeting to the pair as you entered the quiet kitchen. You poured yourself some cereal and ate mechanically, occasionally answering a question from Nat or Steve. They were discussing their plans for the day. 

 

Nothing really exciting happened anymore in the Avengers compound. The rest of the team had moved away, all getting on with their lives. But you...were just stuck. 

 

A sound broke through the silence. You all looked out of the floor to ceiling windows at the tale tell sound of Rhodey landing on the front lawn in his suit. Rhodey had been sort of policing the world, going wherever trouble hinted at breaking out. Occasionally, he flew in for an update. After a quick greeting, you were all gathered in the intel room. 

 

“What you got?” Steve asked. 

 

“It’s been oddly quiet out there,” Rhodey said shaking his head. “Until recently anyway. Some drug lords in Mexico have decided to take over whole cities, claiming themselves rulers and killing anyone who got in their way. Gangs started forming. There’s this one gang with a nasty mob boss named Rumez...he’s into some sick shit. I intercepted a shipment of girls that was meant for him. Young girls.”

 

“Where is he now?” Steve asked, his brow furrowed.

 

“Well, I had leads he was holed up in San Luis, but when I got there....well someone had gotten to him first,” Rhodey replied shooting a look at Nat. 

 

“Like a rival gang?” she asked.

 

“That’s what I thought at first...until I got a good look at the place. The killings...hell I should say slaughter was too precise. And it was a hell of a slaughter. It had to be someone trained in military operations. So I asked around and got lucky. A very grateful woman who lived in the area said she saw a man with a bow enter the building. In her words “the man from New York with the arrows.”

 

“Barton,” Nat whispered. 

 

Nat had tried to contact Clint ever since the snap...especially after you all had found out his entire family had been taken. But Clint had gone completely off the radar. No one had been able to find even a hair from him. And now, it seemed he had gone rouge.

 

“It was bad, Nat. Real bad. I mean the shit he did to them....granted they deserved it but still,” Rhodey shuddered. 

 

“We gotta find him,” Nat said resolved. “Any idea where he’s headed?”

 

“No one saw him leave,” Rhodey said with a sigh. “There’s been no sign of him since.”

 

You slipped out of the room soon after that. You didn’t have anything to contribute, and the conversation had gotten you thinking. 

 

Barton had the right idea, you thought. Sure the others couldn’t condone his brutal killings, but you sure could. He was using his pain to fuel him and rid the world of a few scum bags. Scum bags who didn’t deserve the life they had been given, when so many deserving people had theirs taken away. 

 

Now that was something you could find meaning in. Taking away the life of those who had no right to theirs. You grasped onto that idea like a lifeline. 

 

 

 

2 years after the Snap

 

Going off the grid had been fairly easy. You knew how the sky and the ground was monitored, thanks to your time spent with SHIELD and the avengers. You had gone west at first, often hitching rides on railroads. Occasionally, you stole a bike or a car. There were plenty left abandoned these days. 

 

The biggest issue you faced was deciding who was worthy of your justice as you called it. You wouldn’t take just anyone’s life. That would make you a monster. No, you had decided to go after the truly vile.. and to find them, you had to go undercover. 

 

It was deep undercover in the bowels of San Diego you first heard whispers of who would become your first target. You had spent weeks persuading and threatening your way up the chain of low level perverts until you learned about him. He was the head of it all. Some nobody who had used the public’s vulnerability to make a name for himself. 

 

And what a name it was. Surrounding him were rumors of pedophilia. Especially boys who had lost their parents in the snap. He had the idea to round them up promising them a home and protection, but then selling them to the highest bidder. And those he didn’t sell...well let’s just say those boys often went missing.

 

You had spent weeks and weeks doing recon on this guy and finally you were ready to make your move. You knew where he would be tonight and you were on your way to strike.

 

He was having a party tonight at some exclusive seedy club. You had earned yourself an invite by catching the eye of one of his inner circle. A fat balding man who was far more interested in the money this business brought in rather than the products. 

 

He was leading you through the club, one hand on your waist as he made his way to a reserved part of the club. VIPs only. You spotted your target sitting at a table, surrounded by his colleagues. You smiled to yourself.

 

And then an unforeseen complication arrived in the form of Clint fucking Barton. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a short chapter with some violence, murder, an alliance, and look! Smut with a side of fluff!!
> 
> Enjoy responsibly.

The second Barton laid eyes on you, he began his assault. Screams issued throughout the club as the blood began to fly, and there was a frenzy as everyone rushed for the exit. You supposed Clint had thought you were there to stop him, so you mildly enjoyed the look of surprise on his face when you joined him, whipping out a pistol that had been strapped to your inner thigh. Between you and Clint, you made quick work of the pedophile ring, though Clint got to the head honcho before you. 

 

“What the fuck are you doing here, (Y/N)?” Clint asked, blood splattered across his neck and chest. “Did Nat send you?”

 

“No. This is just a case of wrong place wrong time,” you said with a shrug, wiping blood off your skin. You looked at the corpse of what had been your target. “I spent weeks on this, so thanks for that. The least you could have done was save him for me.”

 

“Finders keepers,” he grumbled noncommittally. “So if Nat didn’t send you, what the hell are you doing out here? I figured you’d still be at the compound with Steve.”

 

“I was...for a while. I left a few months ago. Didn’t tell them I was leaving so don’t worry, they aren’t tracking me,” you said, shoving a body off the booth so you could take a seat. 

 

You poured yourself a glass of the top shelf whiskey that was on the table. Clint took the seat across from you, pouring himself his own glass and you took a moment to survey him. 

 

Other than dark circles under his eyes from a lack of sleep you guessed, physically he looked well. He still had those muscular arms from years of archery...still looked like the same old guy you had grown used to. Except the eyes. 

 

His eyes looked haunted, pained. You were looking at the eyes of someone who was broken. You recognized the look. You saw the same eyes when you looked into the mirror. 

 

Clint was looking at you as if he had come to the same conclusion.

 

“What are you doing here, (y/n)?” He asked, his voice softer this time.

 

“Same as you I suppose,” you replied, refilling your glass. “Looking for a reason to exist. Looking for a purpose.”

 

He arched a brow at you. You sighed. 

 

“Look...after months and months of Steve telling me that I should keep going and that  he  would want me to continue living... I couldn’t fucking stomach it anymore.  He’s  gone. They’re all gone. And I’m here wondering every single day what the fuck is the point of going on? This whole fucking world is so goddamn.....” your voice trailed off.

 

“Empty?” Barton supplied.

 

You nodded, thankful he understood. 

 

“So I heard about the stunts you’ve been pulling and I thought to myself well....there’s something I could get behind. Why should vile assholes like these still get to breathe when the ones who really deserve to be here don’t get that option?”

 

Clint nodded, surveying you quietly. The two of you sat in silence for a while.

 

“I got another lead....in Nigeria. You want in?” Clint asked, taking another sip of his whiskey. 

 

“What?” you asked surprised he would want you to join him.

 

“The way I see it...you can get into places I can’t...well not without being blown full of holes. And it takes me a lot longer to recover,” he said with a shrug.

 

“So what...I’m to be your human shield?” You asked.

 

He shrugged. 

 

“Probably sometimes,” he said. 

 

You nodded. You wondered if he really just didn’t want to be alone. You understood that. There was something soothing about being in the presence of someone who knew what you felt inside, and felt it too. Someone who didn’t bother telling you to “move on with your life”. Someone who couldn’t move on themselves. Someone who was also broken. 

 

“I’m in,” you said, tipping the rest of the glass back. 

 

————————————————

 

 

_ A mumbling of frantic Russian jerked you out of your slumber. Beside you, Bucky was tossing, gripping the sheets in terror. This hadn’t been the first time he’d woke you up with his nightmares.  _

 

_ “Bucky, wake up,” you said, shaking him slightly. _

 

_ He mumbled something else, a desperate edge to his voice. You shook him harder. _

 

_ A blur of moment, and suddenly you were sprawled on the floor, your face pounding. He had punched you with his metal fist.  _

 

_ “Ow,” you said flatly.  _

 

_ “(Y/N)?” He called, his voice full of worry, and you knew he was awake.  _

 

_ “Down here,” you called. _

 

_ He peeked over the edge of the bed and his eyes widened with horror at the sight of your black eye. You felt it healing already, but the damage had been done.  _

 

_ “Shit...I’m so sorry sweetheart,” he said.  _

 

_ He grasped his head in his hands, tormented. You got off the floor and sat down beside him in the bed. Gently, you placed a hand on his back. _

 

_ “You shouldn’t be around me,” he said, shaking you off. “No one should be near me. I’m a fucking psychopath.” _

 

_ “It was just a nightmare,” you told him gently. “And look, no harm done.” _

 

_ Your face was already healed, not a trace left of any bruising. _

 

_ “It doesn’t matter. I hurt you,” he said gruffly. “I’ll probably hurt you again.” _

 

_ “Probably...But I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to move in here,” you said. “Besides, I do have some experience with these nightmares. I’ve hurt you too.” _

 

_ “It’s not the same!” he shouted. “I’m supposed to protect you!” _

 

_ “Technically, I was sent here to protect you,” you reminded him. “So if anyone isn’t doing their job, it’s me. I’m sorry, Buck. I wish I could take away those dreams.” _

 

_ “Really?” Bucky asked surprised. “I punch you in face, and you apologize to me?” _

 

_ “Maybe I’m the psychopath,” you said, earning a slight grin from him.  _

 

_ “Maybe we both are,” he agreed.  _

 

_ “Guess that’s why we work so well together,” you said, resting your head against his shoulder. “Same level of crazy.” _

 

_ “I don’t deserve you,” he sighed, resting his head on yours.  _

 

_ “You deserve more,” you agreed.  _

 

_ “Doll....you’re more than I’ll ever deserve,” he said, his hand cupping your cheek.  _

 

_ He kissed you softly at first, but at your insistence, the kiss became feral and hungry. You shoved him down on the bed and straddled him. His hands ran over your body as your tongues danced together.  _

 

_ He gripped the hem of your sleep shorts and slid them down your legs, and you kicked them off. You slid his boxers down and his thick cock sprang free.  _

 

_ You groaned at the sight of him. His hair fanned out on the pillow beneath him. His ice blue eyes burned with desire. His body was hard and tense, anticipating your touch. God he was beautiful.  _

 

_ Without a second thought you grasped his throbbing length and slid him slowly inside you. _

 

_ “Fuck, sweetheart,” Bucky groaned. “You feel so fucking good.”  _

 

_ You ground against him and moaned loudly at the feeling of him filling every inch of you. Usually, Bucky took charge and you loved it. But tonight you wanted to soothe him from his nightmares. You wanted to take control. _

 

_ You bounced up and down on his cock and his hands grasped your tits, still clothed in a thin tank top. His eyes were heavy as he watched you fuck him. You trailed a path from his mouth to his neck, and you gave his ear a nip. _

 

_ He groaned, a deep desperate sound, andbegan thrusting into you at a furious pace.You cried out, feeling yourself come undone by his cock so deep inside you. You were so close, and then suddenly you felt his fingers tease your clit and you fell over the edge. He supported you as you came all over him and after another thrust into you, he groaned your name as he spilled himself inside you. _

 

_ You collapsed on top of him, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and he tried to catch his breath. His fingers danced softly over your back. You looked up at him and he placed a soft kiss against your forehead. You smiled and shut your eyes, content with just lying in his arms for a while.  _

 

_ “I love you, sweetheart,” he whispered, breaking the silence. _

 

_ Your eyes shot open. That was the first time he ever said those words to you. You looked up at him. His eyes were soft and his face was serious as he stared back at you.  _

 

_ “I love you too James Buchanan Barnes,” you said softly. _

 

_ And you knew you always would.  _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! It’s been a busy couple of weeks. No Bucky in this chapter :( sorry! Had to make room for the plot. He will be back next chapter!
> 
> Please review, it makes my day!

Life with Clint seemed to pass in a steady blur of blood, violence, pain and a comfortable silence. Though you had always been friendly to you in the past, you were surprised at the relationship you had created with the older man now you were on the run with him. He became like a brother to you. You looked out for each other in more ways than one. There were times where the grief would get to you or to Clint, and you were always there to talk each other off the ledge so to speak. One of the best parts about Clint was he always knew when to stop and give you space, and in turn you learned when he wanted to be alone. It was a steady line you both learned to toe.

 

There were times where the targets seemed to run dry....and these were the times you hated most. When there was nothing to occupy your time, that’s when the nightmares became the worst. Clint had them too. You were woken many nights to the sound of him calling out for his family, and you were always there to wake him up and let him sob his grief away onto your shoulder. In turn, Clint would holding you in his arms when your own dreams became too much to bear. Eventually, you began sharing a bed. Somehow, his presence comforted you and made you feel just a little less alone. 

 

Though you shared a bed, your relationship never became sexual in nature. It was something you never had to speak with Clint about, but rather you seemed to be on the same page from the start. Neither of you desired each other that way. 

 

You knew Clint occasionally found his sexual release with random strangers he met in bars, but he never stayed the night with them and he never brought them to wherever you were staying. You were no longer interested in sex, so you never sought out any partners for nighttime excursions. You knew if it wasn’t Bucky, it just wouldn’t be pleasurable for you. It would just make you feel worse, like you were dishonoring his memory somehow. 

 

Between missions, the two of you had begun to learn a multitude of different languages. By doing so it opened up more opportunities for new targets. Over the years, word spread throughout the world about the pair of you. There were many whispers of The Shadow Assassins as they had started calling you. Gang members and cult leaders spoke of you in fear, while the innocents you saved uttered your nicknames like a prayer. 

 

Of course that made it harder to stay off the radar. Indeed, there were several times Steve and Natasha had come very close to finding you. One occasion, you had been standing mere feet away from Steve, but somehow he managed not to spot you. Luckily, Clint and you had spent plenty of time with SHEILD and you knew enough of how they operated to remain off the radar. 

 

Life just carried on this way... for several long years. As long as you had a target, you had a purpose. Clint seemed to feel the exact same way. Cutting down killers and rapists...it was your reason for existing. And boy were you good at it. Sometimes you wondered how Bucky would think of you if he could see the massacres you were part of. Would he be horrified you had become something he had always hated about himself? Would he condemn you for choosing to be an assassin?

 

But he was gone, you always reminded yourself. So you would never know what he would think. 

 

Your travels took you to Japan, deep into what remained of the Yakuza. This particular target had taken you and Clint nearly 3 months to get proper intel on. You had become fluent in Japanese, but it took careful digging and infiltration to get the intel you needed to take down the bosses. You and Clint were planning on striking tonight, and it would be one hell of a fight. There were many Yakuza bosses, and even more grunts to go through, but you finally had them in one place tonight. The pair of you had shared a tiny apartment in Tokyo these last 3 months while you had prepared and planned. It was the longest you had stayed in a singleplace, but somehow you didn’t think you’d miss it. Nowhere really felt like home anymore. 

 

“Here, eat up,” Clint said, handing you a bowl of ramen.

 

“Nah, I’m good,” you said turning your attention back to cleaning your gun.

 

“Eat it, or I’ll force you kid. You’re already skin and bones and you’re gonna need your energy for tonight,” he argued, shoving the bowl into your hands.

 

“Fine,” you huffed. “Thanks, birdbrain.”

 

He grumbled at the nickname but took a seat across from you at the little table. 

 

“You ready for tonight?” He asked. “Got the plan memorized?”

 

“Yeah yeah,” you said with your mouth full. “We’ve only been over the plan a million times.”

 

“Yeah, well...you know how quickly this shit can turn. Best to be prepared,” he said seriously. He eyed his own bowl of noodles with distaste. “At least we’ll be done with Japan after tonight. I’m starting to miss cheeseburgers.”

 

“You wanting to go back to the States after this?” you asked.

 

“I don’t know...it’s risky but....I don’t have any other leads right now,” Clint said with a shrug.

 

“Ain’t that a bummer?” You sighed. “Maybe those cartel guys in Mexico will reform...what’s left of them anyways.”

 

“Yeah....maybe,” he said staring down at his food. You could tell something was troubling him.

 

“What’s on your mind, Barton?” You asked.

 

“You ever think maybe we should take some time off of this?” he said, refusing to look at you. 

 

You stared. In the last 4 years, he had never mentioned taking a break from your vigilante work. 

 

“You want to stop? To do what?” You asked in shock.

 

“I don’t know... take a hike? Do some yoga? Honestly, I don’t know what to do other than this....” he gestured at your guns still spread across the table. “I just think maybe some time to breathe could be good for us.”

 

“There’s nothing else but this,” you said hotly. “You know that. There’s only the next target. The moment we stop....”

 

Your voice broke off as you swallowed hard.

 

“Yeah I know,” he said. “The moment we stop this...we have to learn to live again,” he said quietly. 

 

“And that’s something neither of us can seem to do,” you said quietly.

 

Silence rang throughout the little apartment, broken only by the noise of the city outside. 

 

“You’re right,” Clint finally said. “I guess I’m just tired of everything.”

 

“We both are,” you said softly. “But this is all I know now...so I’ll continue doing it until I find some other reason that validates my existence.”

 

Clint nodded in agreement. Neither of you felt much like talking after that.

 

 

Later that evening, the two of you moved through the nightclub with such precision, it was like you were connected telepathically. The plan had gone off without a hitch, and the pair of you had carved through the Yakuza bosses like butter. Though you were satisfied with disposing of some of the lower level bosses, there was one main target that would ensure the demise of the gang. 

 

The main leader, Akihiko, was well guarded and that provided you and Clint with quite the challenge. But they were no match for the pair of you. They began firing machine guns at you, but the pair of you dodged the bullets with ease. You didn’t even get a single hole in the hooded cowl you wore. Success. 

 

Finally, you managed to slay everyone except Akihiko. You both approached him slowly, watching the man tremble in terror before you. He began looking around desperately for help, but there was no one left. 

 

“Why are you doing this?!” the man asked in Japanese. “We never did anything to you!”

 

“You do not deserve the life you were given,” you told him calmly, in his language. 

 

“You survived... Half of the planet didn't. They got Thanos... you get us,” Clint told him. 

 

Akihiko withdrew his sword, and we began the battle. He was skilled with a blade. Being the leader of the infamous gang, you had expected this. Unfortunately for him, you outnumbered him. It wasn’t long before you and Clint gained the upper hand. Clint landed a deep cut along Akihiko’s torso, while you managed to hold your blade to his throat.

 

“Wait!” The man began pleading. “Help me! I'll give you anything! What do you want?”

 

“You cannot give us what we want,” Clint said simply. 

 

He looked at you and nodded. You brought your sword down across his throat, ending the mans life. 

 

For a moment, you stood there in the pouring rain, watching the blood drain from his body. Then quite suddenly you heard footsteps approaching and you looked up at Clint. The two of you were no longer alone. 

 

Natasha was striding towards you, keeping herself dry under an umbrella. Her eyes swept the street, lingering on all the bodies that now littered it. Finally she met your gaze, and you lowered your hood.

 

“You shouldn’t be here,” Clint said to her.

 

“Neither should either of you,” she replied, arching a brow.

 

“We had a job to do. We’re done now,” he said simply. 

 

“Is that what you're calling this? Killing all these people isn't gonna bring them back,” she said, a hint of anger in her voice.

 

“Don’t you think we know that?” You spat. “But why should these monsters get to live when _they_ don’t ?” 

 

“ It’s not fair, ”  she agreed. “But it’s also not for you to decide.”

 

“Right, that was Thanos’ job,” you scoffed rolling your eyes.

 

She sighed, looking at you with a mixture of frustration and pity. 

 

“We found something. A chance, maybe...” she began.

 

“Don’t you dare,” Clint said, his voice breaking.

 

“Don't what?”

 

“Give us hope....not again Natasha,” you said angrily. 

 

“I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you sooner,” she replied. 

 

“You did...remember how well that went?,” you replied with rage. “I can’t lose him a third time.”

 

“I know....but this time is different. There might be a way to get them all back...and we owe it to them to try,” she said. 

 

“Goddamnit Natasha,” you said shaking your head. 

 

You sat down on the curb, ignoring the pouring rain. You knew it the second she said there was a chance....of course you would take it. You’d always try to get him back...but you had been torn apart twice. There wasn’t much left in you to break.

 

A hand met your shoulder. You looked up to see Natasha, looking down at you with such pity in her eyes. 

 

“Please,” she whispered to you.

 

You stared back up at her, deliberating. You knew if you took this chance, and were defeated once again you wouldn’t survive it this time. Either you’d bring them all back, or you’d be destroyed beyond recognition. There was no way out this time. 

 

“Ok,” you said, standing up. “But I’m warning you....if this doesn’t work...well there’s a good chance I won’t be making it out alive this time.”

 

“There’s a chance none of us will be making it out,” she said simply before looking at Clint. “You in?”

 

He stared at the pair of us, tears visible in his eyes. For several long moments he was silent. Finally he caught my gaze.

 

“You’re the only family I have left. Where you go, I go,” he told me. 

 

Natasha looked a bit surprised at his words, but shook it off. 

 

“Well then, let’s get to the jet,” she said, and she led us off through the rain. 


End file.
